We’ve been hosting two people from Belgium—a mom and daughter—who are friends of the Belgian Wonder’s family. The daughter needed all the “stuff” for her first year of college in America, so we were driving them to “stuff” stores like Target, Wal-Mart and Kohl’s.But both she and her mom needed some non-“stuff” things, as well, like glasses and contacts. So I drove both of them to my optometrist, a pleasant doctor who asks about family and summer activities before launching the exam.I dropped them off, ran errands, and arrived back at the office a little early to pick them up. Expecting to wait, I planted myself next to the stack of magazines in the lobby. I planned to read some meaningless celebrity gossip for a few minutes, but one of the assistants came out and asked, “Would you like to come on back and sit with your friends?””Well, uh,” I hesitated, as this is the only place I get to read meaningless celebrity gossip. I wasn’t sure I wanted to give that up. Then I decided to take her up on the offer. “Sure. Why not?”I followed her back to the room.”Hi, Ann!” the doctor cheerily greeted me. “Let’s get you a chair!” The doctor herself went out and brought in an extra chair for me.”I forgot,” she continued, “that your husband grew up in Belgium. How nice to have these friends coming over to visit!” I grinned and confirmed that he did grow up there and yes, it’s really nice to spend time with the friends.I added, “You know, I meant to tell you that I saw you at the Farmer’s Market last weekend.””Oh, that’s fun! I was there early that week.””I would have said hello, but you were rushing off with a melon, so I didn’t want to slow you down.””That’s because I was off to my Pilate class after. And you know, that melon was so good! I’m going back this week to look for another from the same farmer.”We discussed which stall she bought it from and then it was back to the exam. When it was over, we thanked her and worked out the details for ordering contacts.After, when the Belgians and I were in the car, they marveled at the entire exchange.”In Belgium we would never talk like that with a doctor. This is so different!””Well,” I admitted, “she may be unusually friendly.””Still, in Belgium you would never talk about your personal life in an appointment. And the doctor would never call you by your first name. And then later, if you saw your doctor at a store or something, you would never greet them or acknowledge that you know them. “”Why not?””It’s just…I don’t know. We just don’t. There is a professional distance. A formality.”I told her that I thought there were regional differences in the United States—that in some parts of the country, people would say “Yes, ma’am” and “No, ma’am.” And there may be places where people are a little more cool and businesslike.What’s it like around you? Are your doctors familiar and chatty like my optometrist?If so, do you like it? Or do you find it too familiar and would prefer that “professional distance”?
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I’m in a small town, so if you aren’t friendly with your doctor at the farmers market, then bad things will happen to you. But I was used to a little more professional distance–maybe a polite nod in a public place, as if to say, “Yes, we are acquainted.”
I like the warning: if you’re not friendly with your doctor, “….bad things will happen to you”!
The friendly nod seems pleasant without being invasive. That seems like a nice compromise between too friendly and totally distant.
I really can’t say what the ‘norm’ is here…. but I’ve had docs at both ends of the spectrum.
I don’t mind my cardiologist or optometrist being familiar and chatty….. but if my gynaecologist starts being chatty, I will be high-tailing it out of there…. pap smears are ‘traumatic’ enough as it is. :-O
I actually thought about that, Ruth, and I totally agree: the overly friendly gynecologist can be, um, uncomfortable.
I like friendliness. But I’m 62 years old, and I don’t like it when a 30-year-old doctor breezes in and says, “Hi, LaVonne, I’m Dr. So-and-So,” as they all must be taught to do in med school because it seems a universal practice.
If she wants to call me by my first name, then she should introduce herself by her first name too. Otherwise, let’s both be dignified and reserved – but friendly.
Ah, the double-standard–first name for the lowly patient while the doctor retains her regal status and title. Interesting.
Back in the day, I’d imagine a young doctor would probably have erred toward being more formal and called an older woman “Mrs. Kroeker.”
But I like your concluding thought–that if we choose not to both be on first-name basis, “let’s both be dignified and reserved — but friendly.”
Oops. I mistyped my website address in the above comment, and if you click on my name, you may get taken to a site that’s a security risk. Don’t do it! I’ve made the correction and you can click the link on this comment only. Sorry.
Thanks for the warning!
Ann, I’m sorry to post here, but there seems to be no other way to contact you. I see that you are the Family blog editor at High Calling Blogs. As a man writing about marriage, I was interested to see another man, Stephen Freuh, Phd writing a blog called The Marriage Conversation and that it is a Featured Family Blog. Unfortunately, I see that he has not posted since February 9, 2009. Don’t know exactly what to say about that. Only that it doesn’t seem like a blog that should be “Featured.” Just an observation. BTW, really like all of your writing and thanks for volunteering at HCB. God Bless.
I’ve replied to you by e-mail. Thanks for the note.
(Long comment, but bear with me)
We’ve got a little of both here. Our optometrist is sister to my best friend, so she is conversational and interested in our family. I found my OB-GYN through another friend that used to work for her (and is still a patient) – we recommended her to my previously-mentioned friend and my optometrist, who are also patients. And, yes, probably because of this interesting web of relationships, she’s conversational, though quick about it.
My primary care doctor is not chatty – and I’m fine with that, but I’m not opposed to finding another doctor since he doesn’t rate at the top of the charts for me. I only keep going back because I usually see the Nurse Practitioner for sick visits, and she rocks. My kids’ doctor is conversational, and does say hello when we see her in public. I would expect no less from a pediatrician.
My husband and I go to a dentist who eventually became one of my husband’s clients – so again, plenty of conversation. We were at his daughter’s birthday party last weekend. My childhood family dentist was also very conversational, interested in the family, etc. In my experience, orthodontists are not so conversational.
I much prefer the conversational, interested in your family approach – it’s much easier to talk about what’s going on and get their overall take on your wellness. And I never had doctors like this, except for the family dentist of my childhood, until about 6.5 years ago.
Do you think something is changing over the years? That doctors used to be very friendly when there was one doc serving an entire small town…and then they grew more distant…and now they’re getting friendly again? Does our casual attire as a culture serve as a visual clue as to our overall attitude of familiarity and comfort with one another?
Your web of relationships, by the way, is absolutely fascinating!
Unfortunately, I have been a frequent patient to many of my physician’s offices, so I have developed quite a relationship with many healthcare providers. A nurse sends me Christmas cards with pictures of her family, one of my doctors asks about my dog every time I visit, and another doctor writes down book recommendations I make. Not to mention I LOVE going to the dentist. Not because I like pain, but because I really like my dentist and his personable staff.
I love that your physicians have shown interest in you as a *person* and not just a patient, especially when you’ve been through such traumatic health issues under their care. From what you’re saying, it seems like they put the “care” in “caregiver.”
I think it is nice to be on the friendly side. Not wasting our time about it but a little conversation makes it a much nicer experience. We have hardly ever run into our healthcare providers, I suppose because we do live in a very populated area and I seem to have chosen offices not the closest to home, but I would expect most of them to briefly say “hi” should we meet in the store. I had a friend who went to church with her gynecologist and I thought that would be awkward, but she said it worked out just fine because of her complex history she said it was nice to have someone more familiar with her.
I have to admit that I couldn’t keep going to a GP that my husband still goes to because the doc and we attended the same church. I couldn’t bring myself to greet him at church knowing he might at some point bear witness to my every nook and cranny. I think it would have distracted my worship if I ever sat near him, so I chose to go to someone else and then feel more comfortable when running into him after a service.
I’m so used to lines crossing between professional and personal contacts. I sit next to the postmaster at church. The woman who draws my blood in the hospital lab attended one of the Bible studies I led a few years ago. And … we exchange personal Christmas cards with our banker and mayor.
That’s life in small-town Iowa for ya. 🙂
Great post, Ann!
This is what I imagine in the 1930s and 1940s when my mom talks about “Doc Whipps” who delivered her and was a distant cousin (or something like that). It’s so nice to know that there are still places like that today, in 2010.
Our Scott & White Clinic seems to have a jovial air about it. I really thought it was almost a put on, then the office manager stopped by my store and she was and is the same person. The Docs were so kind and personable. We experienced the same gracious air in previous cities, but Austin has the caring and kindness factor off the charts. Great dialogue Ann.
P.S. The unrelated note up top cracked me up.
Doctors are people, too. I used to be a little afraid of them when I worked for them. Now most of them are young enough to be my kids. Scary.
Funny, though. I call our vet “Doctor ____,” and he calls me “Mrs. King.” He’s my age, maybe younger.
First of all, I hadn’t seen your blog for a while and the new set-up looks great!
Secondly, I would totally say hi to my french doctor if I saw her at the market, but maybe that’s just me, or maybe that’s just my doctor. Also I had a french physical therapist that would always talk about personal stuff and I was annoyed by it.
So maybe, France is actually different than Belgium in that matter? haha.