An Atmosphere of Affirmation

At HighCallingBlogs.com today, Bradley J. Moore of Shrinking the Camel explores the question, “When is Negative Feedback Too Negative?” He spotlighted my post “Reward the Good and Ignore the Bad: Does it Work?”

He asks:

We know that unhealthy criticism for no good reason can demoralize. But how do you point out negative behaviors if you want to develop people, to help them reach their full potential?

I’ve been thinking about this topic quite a bit, and his post generated some additional thoughts that I tapped out as a comment and offer here as food for thought:

On the receiving end of critique:

Many years ago, I attended a small group training session. The leader said that one of the critical steps in gaining valuable input from people in the group was to take them out one-on-one and ask each person, “How can I improve as a leader?” Then he said it’s critical to listen without saying one defensive or explanatory word. Just listen and take notes.

The person may say something small at first, to test how you’ll respond. Write down the answer, thank them, and ask, “What else?” Little by little you can get great input for how to improve and build trust with the person in your group, demonstrating that you really care about his or her opinion.

I’ve done this with my kids as well as teams I’ve led (usually volunteers in a church setting). When the person offering input sees that you aren’t going to get angry or fall apart, he can feel free to offer invaluable (if painful) information. And because I invited it, it’s easier for me to take to heart.

But it’s hard to hear what I’m doing poorly, as a parent or team leader. And it’s really, really hard not to explain or defend myself; but when I refrain from that and just listen, I can consider the critique and figure out if/how to change.

My kids have been grateful to have me ask and know that I’m really listening when they offer some of their concerns.

When giving input/critique:

My eldest daughter has her driver’s permit, and I’ve been thinking about and practicing the positive feedback approach with her. Sometimes, however, for safety reasons I simply have to correct and stop a dangerous move; sometimes I simply cannot “ignore the bad.” But I am making a point to identify things she’s doing well, “rewarding the good” by pointing it out with a compliment.

Check Tone & Motive

When I have to give some negative input–not just when out driving with my daughter, but with anyone–I’m trying to check my tone and my motive, too. I also try to add some explanation as to why the change would be beneficial. And I try to follow up when I see the person change and affirm them.

In the Context of Trust, Respect & Love

The clicker training mentioned in my original post could be very superficial and only focus on behavior–it may work well for step-by-step training but not for subtle analysis. (Leslie Leyland Fields expresses her concern with actual programs that promote a clicker-training approach to parenting in her post “Training is Not Enough!!“) With my family and friends, I want to be building relationships and reaching their hearts. I want any input to be in the context of trust, respect and love.

Praise Sandwich/One-Minute Praise

Erin of Together for Good added this:

I think positive reinforcement is extremely important, but I don’t think we should ignore the importance of negative feedback as well. Sometimes the bad stuff needs to be rooted out; you’ll never see enough positive change until you can get rid of the negative. I look at Scripture and see God never failing to point out our weaknesses– and then point us to HIS strength. It’s so crucial for us to understand that the best of us is Him. Otherwise we fall into pride.

I suppose it’s different in a workplace where not everyone is a Christian. I take what you say and think about it in light of my family. And you bring up the very good point that sometimes we are too negative. At work (I work in childcare), we are told to use “praise sandwiches” whenever we have something negative to say about a child to his or her parent. Something good, the negative item, and then another something good. Such a valuable tool in so many areas of life.

Not only am I grateful for Erin’s reminder that God roots out the bad–the sin–and that the good in us is a result of His Spirit’s work and strength, but I also really like her idea of “praise sandwiches.”

Kenneth Blanchard’s One-Minute Manager advocates “one-minute praise” as immediate and specific as possible. I should note that he also does advocate immediate and specific “one-minute reprimands” followed with a reassuring handshake that affirms the person is valuable to the organization. Blanchard’s three-step “One-Minute Praise” and four-step “One-Minute Reprimand” processes are summarized HERE.

Any human, young or old, can better hear what needs improvement when it’s sandwiched between or at least followed up with what he or she is doing right.

An Atmosphere of Affirmation

I grew up with a lot of negativity, where nothing I did, not even sweeping grass off the porch, could be done to the satisfaction of one of my parents. I longed to hear something good reinforced, but most of the input I received was criticism. As a result, I developed a skewed image of myself. Developing my identity in that atmosphere of negativity, I couldn’t come close to reaching my full potential; I was plagued with self-doubt and insecurity.

Now, as a mom, I think I’m extra tuned-in to this topic because I really want to figure out what works and how I can offer input that is both loving and beneficial. I want my children to flourish in an environment that is predominately positive. And when I must correct, I want them to hear the truth spoken … in love.

I agree with Erin that none of us is innately “good,” that we are lost without our Savior, and that we must watch out for pride. But I also know firsthand the crippling effects of criticism and negativity.

When I do point out a fault in my kids or offer some criticism or correction, I want to follow up with a hug—the family version of Blanchard’s handshake—so that each child knows he or she is loved no matter what. And as I mentioned above, I want to be open to their own critique of me. If I model gentle, loving correction, perhaps they’ll go easy on me when I ask how they feel I could improve as a parent!

If I’m going to err in a direction, I want it to be in the direction of affirmation and praise.

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Food on Fridays: Quiche

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Here at the Food on Fridays carnival, any post remotely related to food is welcome—it doesn’t have to be a recipe. If you just want to post photos of your picnic basket, that’ll do just fine.

When your Food on Fridays contribution is ready, just grab the broccoli button (the big one above or smaller option at the bottom) to paste at the top of your post and join us through Mr. Linky.

Here’s a Mr. Linky tutorial:

Write up a post, publish, then return here and click on Mr. Linky below. A screen will pop up where you can type in your blog name and paste in the url to your own Food on Fridays post (give us the exact link to your Food on Fridays page, not just the link to your blog).

You can also visit other people’s posts by clicking on Mr. Linky and then clicking participants’ names–you should be taken straight to their posts.

Please note: I return when possible during the day and update this post by hand to include a list of the links provided via Mr. Linky. If I can’t get to the computer to do so, you can access them all by clicking on the Mister Linky logo.

Food on Fridays Participants

1. Phoebe @ Getting Freedom( Chocolate Oatmeal Cake)

2. Hoosier Homemade{ Easter Desserts x 5}

3. Marcia@ Frugalhomekeeping( Mama Dip’s Family Cook Book)

4. The Coupon ” High” (Chili Pork & Corn in a Crockpot)

5. Elaine @ At Home ‘n About (Easter Bunny Cake)

6. Kristen (yogurt maker giveaway )

7. Kristen (safeway giftcard giveaway)

8. Comfy Cook – Brown Sugar Baked Sallmon for Passover

9. Chaya- Apple Sweet Potato Kugel for Passover and all Year

10. Hemmed In

11. Breastfeeding Moms Unite! (Nettle Pesto)

12. Alison @ Hospitality Haven (Almond Cookies)

13. ST. PADDY’S COOKIES FOR EASTER

14. delicious DAYS for EAster

15. Kitchen Stewardship (Meatless Deli Quality Mediterranean Wrap)

16. Prudent & Practical {Spring Punch}

17. April@ The 21st Century Housewife (French Country Chicken)

18. Aubree Cherie @ Living Free (Turkey Bacon Gravy with Gluten Free Biscuits)

19. Tara @ Feels Like Home (sauteed chicken salad)

20. Mumsy

21. Self Sagacity

22. Kate @ modern alternative mama (Fruity Kefir popsicles)

23. Shirley @ gfe (” Bran” New Muffins)

24. Leila@ Like Mother, Like Daughter

25. Mrs. Jen B – Refreshing Cucumber Salad

26. Mrs. Jen B – Divine Deviled Eggs

27. Sara (tuna tetrazzini)

28. Joni — Chicken Satay with Spicy Peanut Sauce

29. gnee: This Was GREEK To Me

30. Barb @ My Daily Round (meatless meal carnival with 2 recipes)

31. Dining With Debbie( grilled skirt steak)

32. Amanda @Coping with Frugality (Balsamic Lentil Soup)

33. My Heart My Home (Granola)

34. Odd Mom (Sweet Fruit Salsa with Cinnamon Chips)

35. You’re next!

Food on Fridays with Ann

I like flexible, forgiving recipes that are difficult to mess up yet allow for creativity.

Quiches fit that description.

I threw one together the other day. We’ll call it:

Tomato-Bacon Florentine Quiche.

I had a ready-made Pillsbury crust, so that part was easy. Cooked about half a bag of frozen spinach, drained it, and spread it on the bottom.

Diced half a tomato and two leftover pieces of cooked bacon. Tossed those on the spinach.

Pulled out a bag of Kroger Italian-style cheeses, a blend of Mozzarella, provolone, Romano, Parmesan, Fontina and Asiago. Spread about a cup, maybe a cup-and-a-half on top of that.

Then, to make sure I had the liquids fairly balanced, I did a quick search and turned up this “Basic Quiche Recipe” and noted the remaining necessary ingredients:

  • 4 eggs
  • 1 – 1/2 cups crème fraîche, heavy cream, half and half, or whole milk (I had fat-free half & half)

  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon pepper
  • dash of nutmeg

The recipe suggested cooking the crust at 400º for 12 minutes and then cooling before adding the filling. But I didn’t do that. The crust, which turned soft and moist instead of firm and crisp, tasted fine to me…but I’ll bet precooking improves the texture.

Anyway, I followed the rest of the instructions:

  • Using a whisk, beat together the eggs, creme fraiche (or heavy cream, half and half, or whole milk), and seasonings. Whisk just until mixed.
  • Pour the egg mixture on top of the quiche crust and place in 375°F oven for 40 minutes, or just until the eggs are set (the quiche will continue to cook some after you remove it from the oven, so be sure not to over cook it). The quiche will puff up and turn a nice golden brown on top.
  • Cool for 10 minutes, then serve.

Here’s how mine looked after I poured the egg-milk mixture on top and stuck it in the oven.

Here’s how it turned out:

And here’s the entire Basic Quiche Recipe that I referenced:

  • 1 pie crust
  • 2 cups filling
  • 4 eggs
  • 1 – 1/2 cups crème fraîche, heavy cream, half and half, or whole milk
  • 1/2 teaspoon salt
  • 1/4 teaspoon pepper
  • dash of nutmeg

Fit the crust to a tart or pie pan, then prick the bottom all over with a fork. Place the pan in the freezer for 20 minutes or longer, then bake in a 400°F oven for 12 minutes. Allow to cool for 10 minutes before adding the other ingredients.

Prepare the filling ingredients. Vegetables should be blanched to tenderize them and meat or seafood should be cooked. Cheese should be shredded or diced.

Layer the ingredients in the cooled quiche crust, starting with the meat or vegetables, then adding the cheese.

Using a whisk, beat together the eggs, creme fraiche (or heavy cream, half and half, or whole milk), and seasonings. Whisk just until mixed.

Pour the egg mixture on top of the quiche crust and place in 375°F oven for 40 minutes, or just until the eggs are set (the quiche will continue to cook some after you remove it from the oven, so be sure not to over cook it). The quiche will puff up and turn a nice golden brown on top.

Cool for 10 minutes, then serve.

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The Collision of Work and Family: Bump

In A Circle of Quiet, Madeleine L’Engle wrote:

During the long drag of years before our youngest child went to school, my love for my family and my need to write were in acute conflict. The problem was really that I put two things first. My husband and children came first. So did my writing. Bump.

The conflict—or collision—of work and family summed up in a word:  Bump.

Ouch.

Yet we’re often stuck trying to get it all done without compromising family or work. Is it even possible?

At HighCallingBlogs Wednesday, I rounded up several posts that explored this topic, some of the bloggers expressing frustration and others offering suggestions and solutions.

In the comments, many people opened up with their own responses to these questions:

  • How do you handle the collision of work and family?
  • How have demanding seasons of work affected your family life?
  • Is your current pace “sustainable”?

  • What changes have you already made—or what changes could you make—to create a more sustainable life? Have you “trimmed your day,” for example, and simplified?
In fact, Aspire to Lead a Quiet Life wrote a post called “Bumping Around” using the questions as prompts.

Erica at These Three Remain opened up about the struggle to deal with fears and insecurities that get in the way of what she’s gifted to do. She pointed us to “Writing,” in which she wrote about this struggle.

David of Red Letter Believers recommends we wipe our feet at the door.

L.L. Barkat of Seedlings in Stone suggested in the text of the post that we try to trim our days and not even try to do it all; she added in the comments that she thinks of her life as having seasons—and that transitional seasons can be particular bumpy.

Billy Coffey recommends slowing down to pay attention to life.

Maureen, whose thoughts on living a “sustainable” life were included in the main text, commented at length with additional stories from her own life.

Enjoy browsing, and feel free to chime in with your own thoughts!

Click HERE to read the post in its entirety.
“Remember, there is no Bump” photo by Ethan Lofton available through Flickr under a Creative Commons license.

HighCallingBlogs.com Christian Blog Network

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Tea Wallets!

Look what I just got:

Tea wallets! Handmade by Megan Dunham of Half-Pint House.

Aren’t they adorable?

When Megan isn’t writing for WORLDmag.com, blogging, tweeting, or directing a Classical Conversations homeschool group, she’s designing and sewing a variety of creative items.

Megan sells her tea wallets for $8 each (which includes shipping and four complimentary tea bags) through Half-Pint House Handmade along with zippy bags, travel tissue holders and Scripture memory packs (traditional and index sizes).

The other day I had breakfast at a restaurant and ordered tea. They brought hot water in a small pot along with one tea bag. For English Breakfast tea, the resulting brew was extremely weak; it barely colored the water. I asked if I could have a second tea bag, and the waitress made an apologetic sound and shook her head. “Sorry. But I can bring more hot water.”

Hm. Call me crazy, but additional hot water wouldn’t do much to improve weak tea, now, would it?

Boy do I wish I had Megan’s tea wallet tucked into my purse. Unfortunately, they hadn’t yet arrived. If they had, I could have subtly pulled out one of the Trader Joe’s English Breakfast tea bags she included and redeemed that wimpy pot.

What’s more, now that they’ve arrived, I can go out with friends in the evenings and order tea. Decaffeinated tea options at restaurants are usually limited to herb teas. That’s fine, but sometimes I want black tea. Now I can order any kind of tea that interests me and trade out their caffeinated option with a decaffeinated tea bag from my tea wallet (I can drink theirs some other day before noon or 1:00 p.m.).

I could have been toting around tea bags in some other random bag, but tea wallets are specialized and classy enough to pull out in public.

And they’re called tea wallets, so tea-drinkin’ guys shouldn’t be embarrassed to pull them out of their briefcases during a business lunch. Ask Megan to create one out of super-masculine fabric and use one of those awesome suit jacket buttons (any below seem manly to me, but the middle button is particularly nice).

I highly recommend Megan’s tea wallets for yourself or as gifts for the tea lovers in your life.

** Note: You might want to join Megan’s new blog carnival: Tourist in Your Own Town. She explains:

We’ve lived in a fairly major city (St. Louis) for almost 5 years now and there is still so much to do here that I’ve never done because I know I can always do it later. Before I know it, later is going to have come and gone and I’m going to wish we’d done all those things. So, I’m going to become a tourist in my own town. Every week I’ll come back and post one cool thing about this great area in which we live. Let’s help each other explore the whole world through each other’s eyes! If you post something on your blog, let me know and I’ll make a list with your links.

Tea Wallet photos by Ann Kroeker (colors are not true)

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Meet HCB's Founding Editor Gordon Atkinson

Meet High Calling Blogs founding editor, Gordon Atkinson, also known as Real Live Preacher (rlp).

Long before I joined High Calling Blogs, I stumbled onto Gordon/rlp at Salon.com.

He stood out because, well, Salon.com inviting a Christian to write on their site? I think it took me by surprise.

As intrigued as I was by his writing skill, refreshing honesty, and incredible blogging opportunity, that was a busy time of my life. I stopped reading Salon.com and lost track of Gordon for years. When I became more active with HighCallingBlogs, I eventually realized, “Hey, wait a minute…this is same Real Live Preacher from before!”

Even though the blog section of Salon.com is defunct, the archives from Gordon’s Salon.com blogging days live on, along with an article entitled “Sinfully bad TV” dating back to 2006.

He also writes for The Christian Century and occasionally for the The Wittenburg Door (here’s one of Gordon’s articles from their archives).

And of course as I already mentioned, I’m becoming acquainted with Gordon through High Calling Blogs and The High Calling, where he is a regular contributor.

As I read through Gordon’s work, I concluded it’s too hard to try introducing this guy in my own words. I’m going to let this gifted writer introduce himself via his Real Live Preacher “about” page:

Until February of 2010 I was the pastor of Covenant Baptist Church in San Antonio, which is where I was when this picture was taken. I have resigned from that position after 17 years so that I can give more of myself to writing. Unfortunately, writing doesn’t pay the bills. I also design and manage Drupal websites for Jethro Management, a company in Australia.

I started Real Live Preacher as an anonymous blog back in December of 2002. My only goal was to write honestly and well. I try to stay focused on those two simple goals, though I dropped the anonymity in 2004. I’ve written hundreds of essays since I began, but without a doubt, “The Preacher’s Story” is the one thing that continues to get the biggest reaction. I’m a little embarrassed by that because I wrote it quickly, and I think it’s a bit rough. I spun it out in four evenings back when I first started and before I was taking my writing as seriously as I do now.

But that’s the one that people like. That and the raccoon stories, another collection I wrote with almost no effort. Go figure.

So who is Real Live Preacher? Well I am rlp, in a way. That is to say, I’ve tried to write honestly about myself. Still, when you choose what to reveal about yourself, you necessarily choose what not to reveal, so Real Live Preacher will never be more than a caricature of me.

Sometimes I think Real Live Preacher is who I would be if I was more courageous. Sometimes I think he is the person I am slowly becoming. Who knows?

I enjoyed seeing what Marcus included in his Gordon intro: the communion wafer taste-test video, in which Gordon samples and comments on a variety of ready-made communion wafers. Marcus describes the video as a bit “irreverent, and oddly poignant.” I couldn’t help but think of it last time I took communion at my own church (in place of wafers, our church uses squares of Pepperidge Farm party bread).

Gordon has shared openly about his struggle with depression and published a powerful story about his daughter Shelby, told in two parts at HighCallingBlogs.

Our Life with Shelby Pt. 1

Our Life with Shelby Pt. 2

I look forward to the day when I can become better acquainted with my HCB colleague. Perhaps one day I’ll get to meet the real live preacher in…real life. In the meantime, we can all get to know Gordon Atkinson/Real Live Preacher (rlp) better online:

  • Read Real Live Preacher here.
  • Follow Gordon on Twitter @RLPreacher

  • Recent HighCallingBlogs post by Gordon Atkinson here.
  • Bibledude introduced Gordon here.
  • Marcus Goodyear’s spotlighted Gordon here.
  • Read what Laura Boggess had to say about Gordon here.
  • Books by Gordon Atkinson are available here.

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Food on Fridays: Whole Wheat Honey Bread

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Here at the Food on Fridays carnival, any post remotely related to food is welcome—it doesn’t have to be a recipe. If you just want to post photos of your knife sharpener, that’ll do just fine.

When your Food on Fridays contribution is ready, just grab the broccoli button (the big one above or smaller option at the bottom) to paste at the top of your post and join us through Mr. Linky.

Here’s a Mr. Linky tutorial:

Write up a post, publish, then return here and click on Mr. Linky below. A screen will pop up where you can type in your blog name and paste in the url to your own Food on Fridays post (give us the exact link to your Food on Fridays page, not just the link to your blog).

You can also visit other people’s posts by clicking on Mr. Linky and then clicking participants’ names–you should be taken straight to their posts.

Please note: I return when possible during the day and update this post by hand to include a list of the links provided via Mr. Linky. If I can’t get to the computer to do so, you can access them all by clicking on the Mister Linky logo.

Food on Fridays with Participants

1. Self Sagacity

2. Kristen (mexican chicken)

3. Stretch Mark Mama (Sausage Rice Casserole)

4. Breastfeeding Moms Unite! (Vegetarian Family Menu for a Week)

5. Alison @ Under the Big Oak Tree (week of food)

6. Comfy Cook – Cabbage, Carrot, Potato Muffins

7. Chaya – Comfort Food Potatoes

8. Alison @ Hospitality Haven (Spiced Chinese Fish Fillet)

9. April@ The 21st Century Housewife (Special White Cake)

10. Aubree Cherie @ Living Free (Vegan Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream)

11. Tara @ Feels Like Home (Irish potato candy)

12. Shirley @ gfe (Healthy Flourless Brownies)

13. ITWPF {Black Forest Cake}

14. Mrs. Jen B’s Scandalous Banana Bread

15. Mrs. Jen B’s Tangy Lemon Mustard Vinaigrette

16. Raw Thoughts And Feelings

17. Laura @ Frugal Follies (Banana French Toast)

18. Sara (oatmeal caramel chocolate bars)

19. Esther@ Outward Expression (Chili Smoothie)

20. Marcia@ Frugalhomekeeping (Tuna and White Bean Salad from Italian Cook Book)

21. Nancy’s Daily Dish ~Grilled Chicken Rio Grande

22. Tammy @ The Sabourin Family (Clam Chowder)

23. Newlyweds (Fish Cakes)

24. Jill @ Love From the Kitchen (Cinnamon Applesauce)

25. Easy To Be Gluten Free – Beef Florentine Casserole

26. Hoosier Homemade{9 Springtime Desserts}

27. Kate @ modern alternative mama (Sun Dried Tomato Sauce)

28. Fancy Frugalista! (Coffeedoodle Donuts)

Food on Fridays with Ann

The other day, we ran out of store-bought bread.

Instead of running out for a plastic-wrapped loaf from Kroger, I decided to make some whole wheat bread at home. I tried one of the first recipes that came up with the search terms “whole wheat bread recipe moist soft”:

Whole Wheat Honey Bread

We tried it and loved it. It really is moist and soft, just like I hoped for when I typed in those search terms.

We ate the whole loaf in record time.

Next day, I made another loaf that turned out as fabulous as the first. Set a new consumption speed record with that loaf.

The day after that, I made a third loaf that was just as good as the first two, quickly snapping a photo before it, too, was gobbled up.

I’ve never had great luck with bread. Until now.

This is officially our bread.

I altered the recipe ever-so-slightly, so click on the hyperlink to see the original. My tweaks are indicated below.

Everyday Whole Wheat Honey Bread

Ingredients

  • 1 1/8 cups warm water
  • 3 cups whole wheat flour (I used 2 1/2 C whole wheat flour; 1/2 C white whole wheat flour)

  • 1 1/2 teaspoons salt
  • 1/3 cup honey
  • 1 tablespoon dry milk powder
  • 1 1/2 tablespoons shortening (I used canola oil, but several people reported using olive oil with great success, so I’m trying that next time)

  • 1 1/2 teaspoons active dry yeast
  • (Ann’s addition: 2 or 3 teaspoons of gluten)

Directions

The allrecipes.com directions rely on the bread machine to handle everything from beginning to end, but I only use it to mix the dough and handle the first rise. My steps follow:

  1. Place ingredients in bread machine pan in the order suggested by the manufacturer. Select dough setting, and then press Start.
  2. When the machine beeps, turn out the dough to a flat surface and knead a few times.

  3. Form into a loaf, place in pan and lay a clean cloth (dampened with warm water) towel on top. Set in warm place to rise.
  4. When it rises to almost full size, place in oven and bake at 350º 20-30 minutes, until tapping on the top sounds hollow.

  5. Turn out of loaf pan and cool on rack.
  6. Check the time and see how long it takes your family to consume the entire loaf by cutting thick slices and slathering them with butter, jam, honey or Nutella. Great for sandwiches.

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Post-Wog Flop

My daughters and their friends flop onto the grass after a five-mile training “wog.

Submitted to Wordless Wednesday.

“Tired Woggers” photo by Ann Kroeker © 2010

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Wogging the Mini

We’re training for a half-marathon with our girls.

Boy, has it been hard to drag ourselves out and log the miles. Thursday it was all we could do to make it out and back again for a total of 3.8 miles.

And I can’t call that outing a run; for that matter, it wasn’t even a jog.

Part walk/part jog … I believe we went on a “wog.”

At any rate, this is our second year training to wog the Indianapolis half-marathon, known locally as the Mini.

Last year, we weren’t sure we could pull it off. I’d run the Mini once on my own, and the Belgian Wonder ran a similar race in Belgium in his early 20s. This was different.

Could all of us finish 13.1 miles?

Or had we aimed too high?

Our first time out to train, the girls could barely make it a mile. Could they possibly finish the race? Could they persevere to the end?

You can read more about our first family half-marathon experience in “Persevering to the Finish Line Together” at The High Calling.

By the way, we didn’t sign up our eight-year-old son for the Mini, but he does join us as we train.

While we wog, he bikes.

Pedaling alongside us, he encourages each wogger with “You can do it!”, “Keep it up!” or “You’re almost home!”

I’m telling you: every walker, runner and cyclist should have her own personal cheerleader along for the ride.

All that encouragement might transform a wogger into a full-fledged jogger.

“Snow Jog” photo by Ann Kroeker © 2007

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Reward the Good and Ignore the Bad: Does It Work?

Writing

Not long ago I wrote about Destructive Criticism vs. Healthy Critique when working with writers. The post generated a variety of responses as the conversation continued in the comments.

Shepherdsgrace, for example, had a terrific experience in a writing workshop that included input from the professor and classmates. She explained:

when I was in college I had the audacity, I was a chemistry major through and through, to take a creative writing class…and although an instructor was a fellow student and they all “lived” writing, reading…and were steeped in all things literature…they were very welcoming and friendly to me…I think it was because I was from “outside” their hallowed building, just a curious interloper…

they were helpful and gentle at the same time…a little healthy criticism that isn’t couched in petty meanness and caustic barbs will go very far with me…

that was one of the funnest classes I ever took…ever…

for curious minds, it was a short fiction writing course.

Joyce’s writing workshop experience, however, was quite different from that of shepherdsgrace:

Several years ago I took a university course in creative writing. How I wish that the professor had understood the difference between [Destructive Criticism] and [Healthy Critique]. Not only was he merciless in his comments—written, of course, in red ink on our papers—but he encouraged the class to “critique” each other’s work in the same vein. One student obviously enjoyed this activity and was permitted by the instructor to savage his classmates’ efforts. As a result, many students dropped the class. I continued to the end, but didn’t write another thing for over a year until I had gotten over the experience and realized that the opinions of mean-spirited people really shouldn’t count. That professor has been invited to be the keynote speaker at the awards ceremony for a poetry competition I entered recently. I don’t think I will attend.

LL Barkat described her positive approach when working with writers and other creative types (emphasis mine):

Okay, honestly I don’t believe in critique. I believe in saying what works. Again and again and again. This gets tricky if I’m editing a piece, but even then I want to communicate the idea… hey, if I pulled something out it was only to make sure the good stuff shined the way I knew it could if it was left to itself.

Finally, I’d like to highlight what Gretchen wrote after exploring this topic with others. I’m so grateful she took time to share her findings (I’ve taken the liberty of emphasizing some statements):

I have discussed your post over the last several weeks with colleagues, co-workers, family, and friends.  Many points for discussion—including the definition of criticism vs. critique, sensitivity of an aspect of our lives to the perception of others, and the value of what we hold to be dear.

There has been varying degrees of agreement and disagreement with the interpretation of criticism as outlined in your reference of Scribes Alley but all generally agreed that it is how one conveys the tone and character of that analysis which is important and what profoundly affects that memorable experience.

I think that it can be argued in evaluating  the merit of a piece or performance, one should not omit the deficits as it can lead to continued weakness with lack of correction concluding with underperformance or the loss of potential of what could be.  In an effort to be “kind” it is really doing no favors.

What is true is that no one person wants the “mean girls” to come “knock’n” on your doors of creativity or the things we hold dear.

As for the comment that was essentially tasteless ridicule (and lacking in substantial value), I say kick it to the curb and leave it there as I suspect you already have.

Yes, Gretchen, I have indeed kicked to the curb that comment about my poetry—and I appreciate the time you took to explore this topic thoroughly.

All of the comments gave me much to consider, especially as I evaluate the papers of enthusiastic students who are emerging or developing writers.

It’s tempting to focus on the mistakes—on what needs to be fixed—and ignore what’s working. I want to applaud what students are doing well so that they can recognize the places where they expressed themselves effectively; yet, I also want to mark errors in hopes of training students to develop good writing habits early on in the same way a piano teacher might correct posture or hand positions. As Gretchen said, if I omit deficits, students may take much longer to reach their potential.

That said, I have been curious to attempt an all-positive approach; or, as LL Barkat described it, “saying what works. Again and again and again.”

Back in 2006 I read an article in The New York Times called “What Shamu Taught Me About Marriage,” by Amy Sutherland.

Tired of nagging her husband to change minor habits such as habitually misplacing his keys or leaving used tissues in his wake, Sutherland switched to positive reinforcement. The idea came to her while researching exotic animal trainers and how they could get “hyenas to pirouette on command, cougars to offer their paws for a nail clipping, and baboons to skateboard.” Sutherland wrote:

The central lesson I learned from exotic animal trainers is that I should reward behavior I like and ignore behavior I don’t. After all, you don’t get a sea lion to balance a ball on the end of its nose by nagging. The same goes for the American husband.

She began to thank her husband when he placed just one dirty shirt in the hamper. Meanwhile, she would step over soiled clothes that remained on the floor without saying a word about it—thus rewarding desired behavior and ignoring the rest. As he basked in her gratitude, the piles of soiled clothes shrank.

Success came from pointing out what worked and ignoring what didn’t.

Sutherland did, by the way, confess her techniques to her husband. He was not only amused; he learned how they worked and tried them out on her, as well.

Another place I’ve seen the rewards-only technique is online with “TAGteach,” where clickers (yes, the same clickers used by dolphin and dog trainers) are used for training people to learn new skills. In the following video, kids learn basic high jump techniques:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WH63lywm_Sc]

The TAGteach blog explains a few key points:

Note the self assessment and absence of frustration when they miss the tag point. This video shows rapid learning of a complex skill without ever pointing out mistakes. It also provides a good example of backchaining… starting with the last part of the skill and gradually adding pieces to move toward the completed skill.

The positive is reinforced with a reward—a “Click”—while the undesirable is ignored. Here’s another example in which a young boy learns to tie shoes from a teacher who uses only positive reinforcement (and a clicker…and apparently a few beans).

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HlA8lK1_lII]

What do you think?

Could this work with writers, focusing on one skill at a time and rewarding them with the equivalent of a “click” when I spot it effectively woven into their assignment? Perhaps writing a simple “Yes!” next to the skill performed well (attempting simile or alliteration, for example), while ignoring all other problems?

It must require tremendous restraint.

But what a great atmosphere the positive approach could create. As people discover what works, they can duplicate results, perfect that skill and move to the next level.

It builds confidence that’s based on substance.

Positive reinforcement recently worked with me. I wish I could say it was in the area of professional development, but the reality is that it’s a bit more vain.

This week I wore a new (well, new-to-me) striped blouse with a vest and nice-fitting jeans. I’m never confident putting together outfits, and my friends were seeing this combination on me for the first time. I worried a little. Did it work?

Or did I look like a Goodwill goofball?

Two people went out of their way to tell me, “You look cute!”

“Click.”

“Click.”

Guess what I’m wearing today?

Please leave a comment if you’ve applied an all-positive technique to a unique area (such as writing or skill-building with humans), rewarding the good behavior and ignoring the bad—I’m curious to hear real-life stories and results.

Flickr photo “Writing” by Jonathan Kim. Available for non-commercial use under a Creative Commons license.
Flickr photo “little boy thumbs up” by Michele Truex. Available for non-commercial use under a Creative Commons license.

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Food on Fridays: Lentil-Barley Stew

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Here at the Food on Fridays carnival, any post remotely related to food is welcome—it doesn’t have to be a recipe. If you just want to post photos of your lettuce seed packets, that’ll do just fine.

When your Food on Fridays contribution is ready, just grab the broccoli button (the big one above or smaller option at the bottom) to paste at the top of your post and join us through Mr. Linky.

Here’s a Mr. Linky tutorial:

Write up a post, publish, then return here and click on Mr. Linky below. A screen will pop up where you can type in your blog name and paste in the url to your own Food on Fridays post (give us the exact link to your Food on Fridays page, not just the link to your blog).

You can also visit other people’s posts by clicking on Mr. Linky and then clicking participants’ names–you should be taken straight to their posts.

Please note: I return when possible during the day and update this post by hand to include a list of the links provided via Mr. Linky. If I can’t get to the computer to do so, you may access them all by clicking on the Mister Linky logo.

Food on Fridays Participants

1. Hoosier Homemade{ Shamrock Almond Cookies}

2. Alison @ Hospitality Haven (Baked Teriyaki Chicken)

3. Chaya – Sweet Potato – Carrot Soup

4. Comfy Cook – Nutty Delights

5. Secrets of a Southern Kitchen (Easy Chicken Alfredo Pizza)

6. April@ The 21st Century Housewife (Auntie’s Spice Cake)

7. Aubree Cherie @ Living (Gluten Free Carrot Bread Bites)

8. Tara @ Feels Like Home (slow cooker spag & meatballs)

9. Watercress and Bean Sprout Stir Fry

10. Kristen (Irish Soda Bread)

11. Lindsay’s Smoke Alarm- Garlic/ Butter Chicken

12. Newlyweds (Huevos Rancheros)

13. Jill @ Love From the Kitchen (Banana Nut Muffins)

14. Trish Southard

15. Self Sagacity

16. Laura @ Frugal Follies (Tabbouleh)

17. Breastfeeding Moms Unite! (Love – The Secret Ingredient to Healthy Self- Esttem)

18. { New Nostalgia} Chocolate Mud Balls

19. Odd Mom (Dahl – Indian Lentils. Frugal, vegetarian, and crazy yummy!)

20. Kate @ modern alternative mama (Chicken in Cream Sauce)

21. Shirley @ gfe (Bread Pudding with Raisins)

Food on Fridays with Ann

A few weeks ago I wrote about Lenten Lentils for Food on Fridays. My friend Linda and I were talking about the honey-baked lentils recipe I posted that day from the More-with-Less cookbook. I made a batch recently and devoured them.

But she couldn’t say enough about the More-with-Less Lentil-Barley Stew recipe.

Her enthusiastic recommendation convinced me to try it.

As I was cooking the lentils with the sauteed celery and onion, it wasn’t looking super appetizing.

But I still had things to add, like the barley, tomatoes and spices (picture doesn’t include everything).

It started looking better as the barley began to cook.

I let it simmer for quite some time. As you can see from the recipe, it cooks for 45-60 minutes. I actually ran some errands.

When I came back home to check on the lentils…

I dipped into a pot of thick, nourishing stew.

When it was in the soup-stage, I was not overly impressed.

In the stew-stage, however, I’m lovin’ it.

Unfortunately, my kids aren’t lovin’ it. They don’t share our love of lentils at all.

One of my daughters still gags on mashed potatoes and refuses to choke down more than one single pea. On the rare occasions we insist she ingest one single pea or one spoonful of mashed potatoes, she washes it down (after a weepy 20-minute delay) with an eight-ounce glass of milk.

I won’t tell you how old she is; suffice it to say she’s definitely old enough to eat one pea or tablespoonful of mashed potatoes without a fuss. Anyway, after many years of these struggles, I didn’t even bother asking her to swallow a lentil.

While the Belgian Wonder and I each enjoyed a generous serving of Lentil-Barley Stew (and packed some for tomorrow’s lunches), the kids defaulted to Leila’s Mac-n-Cheese.

Yes, I caved. But at least it was effortless to throw together their alternative, thanks to Leila’s mac-n-cheese virtual mentoring.

Enjoy the lentils.

And if you don’t enjoy the lentils, enjoy the mac-n-cheese.

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